Harriet Lerner: Why Won’t You Apologize? Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts



N the other person is being a jerkIndeed such a situation reuires a well grounded and emotionally secure person to respond without blurting out a pseudo apology an apology followed with but Another example of a pseudo apology is I m sorry ou feel that way in other words I m sorry Smoking Lovely you not me has a problem Being human by definition means being imperfect and prone to error and defensiveness Thus finding the internal wisdom insight and strength to craft an effective and heartfelt apology is a skill that doesn t come naturally to most humans The examples described in this book offers suggestions and ideas of useful tools technics and approaches to various situations Sometimes the best approach is to concentrate on listening to the other person s feelings and if it has come as a surprise to ask for some time to think it overSo how does a victim of betrayal or hurt manage to get over it and move on The short answer is any way that works It will be different for different people Also this book takes the position that it is not necessary for a hurt victim to forgive in order to recover and leave it behind Forgiveness is a personal decision not something to be told to do 35 an important conversation to begin stars All of us have been hurt by strangers and loved ones alike These hurts take up a disproportionate amount of our interior lives and are sometimes the cause of dysfunctional ways of being in the world in our relationships and with ourselves Dr Lerner begins a very important conversation about the nature of hurt betrayals apologies and forgiveness She bitten off a huge topic and in a pleasant and vaguely helpful way discusses the nature of the above with research clinical examples and her own lived experience The writing is accessible and interesting but she fails to delve into any of the above with the gusto and detail that I craved This is neither clinical manual nor self help book but rather a meandering albeit wise tome that weaves in and out with insight and keen observations This is the kind of book thatou may need to read two or three times to allow the material to permeate Second Sight your own defenses and emotional reactions On first read though I wanted and expected from this most helpful of psychologist I will not apologize for that We ve all witnessed or likely experienced firsthand the power of an apology A sincere apology can repair damage done while an insincere or even absent apology can cause further hurt that hits us harder than the deed that should be apologized for Harriet Lerner shows us how to compose an honest and heartfelt apology receive an apology and move forward in restoring our relationships Well worth the read Why Won t You Apologized examines The Many Faces of I m Sorry For two decades Harriet Lerner has been studying apologies She s learned a few things witnessed tremendous powerful rewards from a heartfelt apology as well as the damage a bad apology can cause The healing power of a good apology is immediately recognizable Anger and resentment melts away It feels better to be connected than disconnectedbut as Harriet says we re all apology challenged with certain people and in some situations How many of us say Hi My name isI m happy to meetou I m looking forward to our working together And by the wayI m a Champion Apologizer YikesI d wonder if this person going to steal my lunch then offer up their champion apology Kidding asid. El remorse Lerner explains what drives both the non apologizer and the over apologizer as well as why the people who do the worst things are the least able to own up She helps the injured person resist pressure to forgive too easily and challenges the popular notion that forgiveness is the only path to peace of mind With her trademark humor and wit Lerner offers a joyful and sanity saving guide to setting things righ.

Harriet Lerner µ 4 characters

Pologies and responses affect us interesting discussion about the possibility of forgiveness and so many ways to help understand ourselves and others I may have to buy this in the futureand mark it all up to remind me when I forget how to apologize how to handle non apologies etc 5 stars Harriet Lerner s latest book is filled with points on apology the bogus apology the overlong apology holding off on the use of BUT and IF which are dealbreakers and when and how The most valuable part of this book is Lerner s list of five ways to ruin an apology Having had apologies ruined for me in just these ways I thought I might confirm a bit of this1 I m sorry butDoesn t really matter how Forbidden Mate (Holland Brothers, you end that sentence it s always going to boil down to I m sorry but I don t oweou an apology2 I m sorry Often Go Awry you feel that wayand here are a few therapists I can recommend to helpou with that Because Under Grand Hotel, Volume 02 you know the fact thatou have feelings is something DIRTY - 47 verruchte TABU Erotik Geschichten you should really look into3 The Mystifying ApologyAlso known as apologies that don t make any sense Let s say for example someone hurtsour feelings and then leaves Im Squirrely! (The Nut Family, you alone for a little while Laterou find out the leaving ou alone was meant to be the apology I was respecting our feelings You mean this pain How McGruff and the Crying Indian Changed America you brought into being Seriously So in essenceou ve been respecting Wicked City (Wicked City, your own handiwork Good to know4 Forgive me already and do it nowIt is absolutely astonishing how very many people believe the mandated response to I m sorry is I forgiveou Hold up on that response and The Celestial Selenite Scry (The Moon God Trilogy, you are denying them their rightful share of absolution Suddenly they re mad as hornetsbecause of course the power has shifted And right there beforeour very eyes they magically transform into victims5 The Intrusive ApologyThis is the apology ou get from someone whose treatment of ou was so egregious that Americas sewing book you ve decided to have nothing else to do with them for the rest ofour life Also known in my house as The Your Feelings STILL Mean Nothing To Me Apologygenerally offered up by The Only Person on The Planet Who MattersI wish I could say the rest of Dr Lerner s book was of eual value to me if only in terms of what it might serve to validate Sadly it wasn t For someone who so resolutely espouses the worth of clarity and brevity it was puzzling to encounter so little of that here This book explores the power and potential pitfalls of apologies It offers a guide to the art of crafting an apology that is meaningful and can restore trust The book also offers insight to situations where the offended person feels they are owed an apology but are not receiving one And there s also advice on how to properly receive an apology when it does come The author is a psychologist with ears of experience to draw from in offering examples of situations where apologies were a factor in saving or ending relationships The book acknowledges times when relationships can t be restored and in some cases shouldn t be savedEarly in the book the reader is challenged with the following situationIt s a profound challenge to sit on the hot seat and listen with an open heart to the hurt and anger of the wounded person who wants us to be sorry especially when that person is accusing us and not accurately as we see it of causing their pain Yet both personal integrity and success in relationships depend on our ability to take responsibility for our part and only our part even whe. How much the simple apology matters and what is reuired for healing when the hurt we’ve inflicted or received is far from simple Readers will learn how to craft a deeply meaningful “I’m sorry” and avoid apologies that only deepen the original injury Why Won’t You Apologize also addresses the compelling needs of the injured party the one who has been hurt by someone who won’t apologize tell the truth or fe.

Sensible clear and wise advice with humour and honesty throughout Just what I needed to read and think about Many clear examples and suggested scripts A balanced approach without much of the uasi mystical gobbledy gook of many self help books on this topic This book deserves 5 solid stars and I don t give out 5 stars very often This book is invaluable to anyone who has friends andor family in their lives who lack luster in the apology department It covers both big hurts such as deep seeded wounds of child abuse as well as smaller offenses such as a friend not saying thank ou when ou pick up the check I have people in my life who behave this way and I find it very frustrating For this reason I decided to read the book for myself as well as a possible recommendation for my clients I don t like to recommend a book to a client if I myself haven t read it from cover to cover So there I went plowing away at this book turning the pages and devouring the wisdom on every single page Dr Lerner delivers her wealth of knowledge and experience with both empathy and humor a combination I found to be very endearing and personal By the end of the book I felt I had just completed a very long cathartic and productive therapy session myself and I needed it Who doesn t Going into this book I had expected to gain insight as to why others don t apologize as well as how I can learn to live with or confront their shortcomings These insights are indeed in the book and extremely helpful And in fact I really wish some of my family members would read this book and learn how to give a heartfelt apology However I didn t expect to experience self growth in terms of my own shortcomings when it comes to not only giving my own proper apology but in the ways in which I ask for an apology I sure can improve on both fronts and I will If ou are one of this people who over apologize I am not the book also addresses this behavior and The Legacy of Aaron Geist you may find it helpful Thankou Dr Lerner I appreciate the therapy session What a bargain uick review for a uick read It took me around 4 or so hours to read through this thought provoking psychological read on the dissection of apologies Topics that Harriet Lerner approaches in this book include what constitutes an apology and what doesn t what the types of apologies are when and how to give them why people don t give them and the reception of apologies on a number of different levels I also like the fact that this narrative mentions that ou don t need to forgive someone for a wrongdoing in order to move forward from it which is well intentioned advice but not a one size fits all for every person and situation I like the fact that this book unpacks so many different scenarios with empathy detail cultural references and application I didn t have previous expectations as to what to get out of this brief read but it left me with much to think about long after I finished it I will definitely keep this in my personal library and will revisit it in moments where I need to look at difficult conversations and situations on a number of levels wonderful audio narration by Cassandra CampbellOverall score 455 stars This was a tough book to readit made me realize how skimpy and hollow some of my apologies have been and why they didn t elicit the responses that I d hoped for It s a wonderful book deep insights great anecdotes that really help explain how different Renowned psychologist and bestselling author of The Dance of Anger sheds new light on the two most important words in the English language I’m sorry and offers a uniue perspective on the challenge of healing broken connections and restoring trustDr Harriet Lerner has been studying apologies and why some people won’t give them for than two decades Now she offers compelling stories and solid theory that bring home.

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Dr Harriet Lerner PhD Clinical Psychology City University of New York; MA Educational Psychology Columbia University Teachers College was born and raised in Brooklyn New York the second of two daughters Her parents Archie and Rose Goldhor were both children of Russian Jewish immigrant parents They were high school graduates who wanted their daughters to be someone at a time when